Sometimes to come out the other, side you have to get down and dirty, press the rewind button and retell the story. The very story that changed my life.
You might ask yourself why? Why retell the story? I don't know exactly why at my core I am being guided to write, to write from a place of love, place of non-attachment, from a place of knowing that it is FINALLY time to start from the beginning and look back at the good times, the devastation, and the many blessings this chapter of my life has gifted me. To stand in a place of knowing that the 13 years of my life that I shared with Ramon where one of the best times of my life. We grew up together, we loved fearlessly, created three beautiful human beings, traveled the world, built a home. Memories that will live inside of me forever. BUT eventually, our sacred contract would end. There are two sides to every story. I will be writing thru my HUMAN EYES and My Soul's Eye. How it is necessary to be shaken and broken by the human experience to understand the spiritual lesson.
I could sit here now and look at one of the most devastating moments in my life and see it thru my Soul's eyes, and for that I am grateful.
Thru My Human Eyes
Thru my human eyes and human experience, it was my whole life taken away from me in a single moment. The day that he decide he would leave on that warm April day in 2013 and never come back. How could this happen? I gave my all to my family, I sacrificed me for him, for his career, for our boys. I worked tirelessly at home raising three very young boys while he worked 14-16 hours days to build his empire as the business man extortionary of the beverage industry. I not once had doubt or fear of the sacrifices I was making for the family. In my eyes, we were two independent adults with the understanding that this time was not "our" time but a time to build security for our boys and build a beautiful home in our dream neighborhood. An extraordinary accomplishment at our young ages of 28 and 30. Evidence of our power as a couple, evidence to our commitment to achieving and working towards our dreams together. I felt so confident in our dynamic, and I felt confident as a woman never being jealous or insecure because I knew what I brought to the table. He had the freedom to ALWAYS be him. We were not your typical couple. We could go out, and if a woman approached him, I didn't bat an eye. Why because I felt that our bond and connection could not be broken, because of our struggles and history where the glue that would stand the test of time. The commitment and loyalty that I offer him, he would not find anywhere else. Me not feeling jealous actually validated my inner knowing of the type woman I was. It was the validation of my inner power.
I had a vision of us getting thru the crazy raising young children period and him working all day and night as paying the price for the amazing life that awaited us. I said to myself " We will have the best life ever, we worked our asses off and raised kids in our 20s and 30s. In our 40s it will be our time. Travel the world and see our grown men succeed."
Was I wrong! This very story was what broke my heart. It was shattered and the worst part I had no choice, no matter how much I fought I could not and was not going to stop Gods plan.
Yes, we had our flaws but who doesn't nothing worth dissolving the family for, Right? So we are back to that warm April day in 2013, just a few days after our 10th wedding anniversary which we celebrate in Europe. One silly fight about preschool was enough for him to decide we needed a "break." He made a choice to leave, and he had the financial security at that time to make that bold decision without batting an eye. He kept both households afloat.
The first year (2013) was light, wasn't till later that it started to affect me. He still come home every night and we pretty much kept the same family dynamics, so in my head I thought "it is only a matter of time until he returns." A few months later he asked to start alternating weekends, again, I had no say in it. Even though we were doing alternating weekends, we still seem to gravitate to being with each other. Things started to change around Sep.-Oct. Of 2013. Something was different, but I couldn't put my pulse on in because he was still very involved with me. At this point, I started seeing a therapist and requested we go to marriage counseling he was not open to it. So I continue going because I was starting little by little to feel the reality of what was going on. I thought to myself "why does he not want to go to counseling, is the family not worth fitting for, all that we accomplished together, what did I do wrong?" The more the time passed and realized he was not coming home the more that my mental and emotional health deteriorated. A side of me I didn't know was coming out. That confident, independent woman was being broken down by the thought " I am not worth fighting for" The more time passed, the more that I slowly became a ghost of the woman I was. I became needy, insecure and retreated into myself hoping no one could see my pain.
The first holidays as a broken family, as you could imagine was emotionally confusion for the boys. It was excruciatingly painful to see my boys not know how to process the first holidays without their dad. Even though God works in surprising ways by proving us a distraction to spend the Holidays with our family in a gorgeous home in Big Bear the boys not knowing how to cope acted out. I remember one incident where Joshua was upset about a silly fight with Ramoncito so much so that he ran out the house and I could not find him. I knew he was in pain. Seeing my boys not know how to process and at the same time me trying to be strong while inside I was in pain as much as they were. At one point I finally broke down inside my car. Cried and cried until I finally let it out. I was grateful for my family during this trip because they saw my pain but they made sure not to make me feel even worse by talking about it. Instead, they made sure to stay upbeat a festive for the boys and me.
2014 came, and I just knew something was not right. I remember having endless conversations about not being able to live in limbo anymore with Ramon as a way to get him to commit. It was destroying me. He wanted to keep me at bay still but not fully commit to me. He said that he was scared, that we needed to take it slow, I felt the opposite. If we really wanted to save our marriage, we need an intervention to commit and give it our all. To fully commit to our love and rebuilding our marriage. I was more than ready to do anything to save what we worked so hard for. Our boys, our home and to renew our love for each other. I remember being hopeful because even though he didn't have the ability to commit to the rebuilding of the marriage, I felt a HUGE sense of him being lost. I felt like he didn't know what he wanted. Somedays I could feel us reconnecting and then all of a sudden he was gone. He was obviously going thru his struggle. I asked for him to please share his fears with me as an effort to understand his struggle with the marriage and still to this day I don't know what was going on inside his head. What his insecurities where and what he wanted. I just knew he seemed LOST. As our wedding anniversary approached (early April) I was more and more insecure I felt crazy. I didn't understand why he hadn't come back and why he was not choosing to fight for me. I lived life the best I can, but inside myself, I was slowly starting to build rage, anger, and bitterness. I felt powerless; I felt like I didn't have a choice in any of this.
As God would have it, he would answer my prayer; My prayer was "Why God, why, I don't understand what I need to do to fight for my family, I don't know how this happen, It doesn't make any sense. All I know is to keep on fighting for my family because I don't know a reason why" I still remember the day clear as day. I was supposed to help a friend move to her new apartment March 30th, 2014. I texted Joshua "Good Morning, and I hope you have a good time with Daddy" He replied "Daddy will not here all weekend" I immediately called him telling him I rather have the boys stay with me instead of having a sitter all weekend long. Not sure what got into me that day but my mama bear instinct took over, and I asked Joshua for an address and drove over to pick them up. As I walk inside, I see dried roses in his kitchen. From this point all, I remember telling the sitter to take the boys down to the car. Once they left my heart felt like it was going to pop out my chest. As I walked thru his apartment to see the other woman's stuff. I just remember dropping to the floor and sobbing. I will admit that I went crazy destroying his apartment in anger. No sure how I manage to compose myself enough to drive the boys home but I did. I just remember telling the sitter I don't know when I will be back. Next thing I knew I was at one my friend house sobbing in her bed and then Mimi came to the rescue, and I don't remember details. She just told me this past weekend that it was horrible to see me in so much pain that day. She slept with me, and she said that I sobbed all night, and sometime screamed.
You would think that I would give up and get the point after knowing that he was living with someone else. Well, I didn't. We met the next day to talk. He was going to leave her, and we were going to start therapy. I wrote her a letter explaining to her that I was not going to give up on my family. It was a woman to woman letter in which I told her to back off and respect us trying to work things out.
The next nine months were full of rage, and this is where it all surfaced for me. I was beyond hurt and in need of reassurance that we were going to be ok but it never came. He was still not all in. My extreme mood swings and insecurity made it very difficult for us to get anywhere. All I wanted was for him to come back home, hold me and tell me that all was going to be ok and that we were going to be ok. I wanted him to choose me completely and fearlessly. But it never came. Finally after battling severe depression in March-April of 2015 and pretty much finding myself missing work and being absent for my boys. The sever pain of seeing myself not being able to function and the fact that he saw my pain and still had no desire to comfort me by taking it away and coming back home. I made a choice that I will fight back for my boys. I could do it for them. So I started taking medication, and as the weeks passed, we still had our back and forth but it was more distant because I was getting ready to end it. Mentally ending it.
So I finally got fed up, we talked, and finally decide to file. It took us a few months to make peace with the decision at this point it was early June 2015, and I was "stable," and we opted out for mediation, and everything ran smooth. We signed paper work in mid-June and kept peaceful communication and still hung out here in there with the boys.
Well, Not so fast I lost it again! I was late August of 2015, and my dad had offered me an opportunity to go back to Guadalajara to visit. I hadn't visited in 17 years, so I asked for time off from work and asked Ramon if he could watch the boys for that weekend. It took him a little bit to get back to me, but he finally did a few days later. The words that came out of his mouth where devastating all over again. "Well, I could take the boys, but you have to be ok with (his girlfriend) being around" yeah! Not even two months after we signed the paper work. I lost it! I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. "Why, Why to drag me around for two years if he was going to end up with her again" I had no chance.
This is where The Mommy Goddess begins.... This is where the real healing begins.
Thru My Souls Eyes
Shit got real, I had to process years of pain and rage, I had to feel every bit of it to gain what I now know. I CHOOSE ME! I lost myself in my marriage to the point that I had forgotten my power and who I was. All along I was hoping he chose me and comforted me when all along I been looking for myself. The road back to myself has not been easy, gaining my confidence and self-esteem has been what I been working on since early this year.
Allowing myself to heal produced a series of miracles and the Universe making sure I saw that no pain is in vain. 2016 has been magical. It gave me the right trips, experience, and people to heal. (Can't wait to tell you about a particular person/experience)
France was a gateway to my healing. Forever grateful for the retreat in France. I met seven amazing women. It was one of the bravest things I did. Traveling alone and be open to meeting seven strangers I had NEVER done that in my live let alone traveling across the world. This trip still feels like a dream to me. So magical. I look at the pictures and still don't believe I was in all those beautiful places. This trip was a TRUE gift from GOD. I mean it. I didn't have the means to make this happen and everything just aligned. The money came thru. I was meant to be there. My soul needed this trip.
Mazatlan with my Soulsister Mimi and Laura was a way to reconnect to our more thank 20-year friendship with my soul sisters. Me being a married woman didn't allow for much time to bond with my friends. This trip was the Universe way of saying "here remember this." Remember your bond, remember you will alway have them in your life. They will forever love you.
New York! Wow, what could I say this was a last minute trip it was ridiculously cheap. Almost too good to be true, so I booked it. I was going to see Marc Anthony in his hometown. This one was a little more emotional for me as this is something I experience with Ramon every year. We had such great memories of New York. This time it was time to make new ones and I did! I had an amazing company. Krus is fun, energetic and most of all deserving. She is a beautiful soul. I wanted her to experience NY. This was more for her than for me. Her 40th birthday was right around the corner so even more so! We took over NY
Yosemite, What could I say the first family trip just me and the boys. This was a BIG one for me. I am finally feeling better and decide it is time to start my traditions. We had a blast; we made new memories. I felt strong and powerful. I drove all by myself in the scary roads, navigated three energetic boys and made sure that we connected with nature. Yosemite was BEAUTIFUL just what the boys and I needed.
All these trip and meeting my amazing Soul Family ( Arjuna, Noah, Shiro, and Christina) have been a blessing. They have help me healed and remember that this was my journey. That if I hadn't gone thru the HORRIBLE pain I would not be here today. Writing and creating this space for other women.
I chose to forgive and to process my pain to awaken to my truth! I was not serving to my full potential being married I was conforming to what I thought was "right" my ego and my fear did not allow me to see there was a better plan for me. I had to FEEL the horrible pain to be able to see other women pain. To heal publicly, to inspire and to serve by coming back home and living from a space of authenticity. But firsts I had to die the slow painful death thru my divorce to be reborn. Reborn as the GODDESS!
I am now at peace. I see his journey, and I honor it. He is only human as I am and for whatever reasons he decide to leave that warm April day I now know for SURE he did not hurt me he AWAKEN me.
Ramon, I will always love you, our time together will never ever be recreated. You were one of the biggest gifts of my life. We created magic together. I am now ready and praying for a beautiful partnership. Our family will always be a family! '' Thank You
Much Love,
The Mommy Goddess